A year of self-knowledge.

I’ve learned a lot about myself this past year, and while doing so is always good because then I have a better grasp on what I want and what I need… it can be quite difficult to accept those truths.

If you would have asked me a year ago if I was an introvert or an extrovert, I would have said “introvert” without a moments pause. But since coming to university I’ve discovered how much joy I get from being around other people, and how my happiness levels can lower when I’m alone for an extended period of time. This terrifies me – partially because being extroverted almost seems to be a more vulnerable position than introverted. Introverts are perfectly happy by themselves. Extroverts depend upon other people for their happiness! But other people have lives! and conflicting plans1 and what if I don’t have a good time? and, and… as you can see, I’m not adjusting to this new development well.

With the nature of university and part-time work being so isolating (you are the only one with your particular schedule) it can be really easy to feel alone. I’ve been experiencing this myself since term ended. Working and school register as “alone time” to me, and so naturally I want to do something with somebody once my shift is over.

Maybe I was never as introverted as I once thought: Eight hours in a classroom with the same bunch of people is a very high intensity social environment, so naturally I would enjoy quiet alone time after school back at home. Now, when school and work is practically solitary (well at a lower level intensity than the same people, day in-day out, for four + years) it makes me sad to go home to an empty room.

I still believe I am introverted: I have a few select good friends, and find it very tiring to balance my energy between them all, but it’s very jarring when people say that they “don’t want to hang out because they need some alone time,” that I can no longer relate. I find alone time terrifying now. I fear that I will start feeling sad.

This blog is all part of my battle plan. It gives me something productive to do when I am feeling lonely. It’s better than just scrolling through tumblr, with every image making me feel more and more lonely and disconnected because tumblr doesn’t give me the same joy that it once did (mainly for the Sherlock fandom jokes, haha). Instead of viewing alone time as a dark pit of potential depression, I’m going to start viewing it like how I used to: time for me to do the things I like doing: time to draw; time to blog; time to catch up on doctor who; time to try my hand at making vlogs and videos; time to practice photoshop and illustrator; time to do things that make me happy but are creative and will hopefully get me a job, ha ha ha.

It can definitely come as a shock when you realize you’re not the person you thought you were – but remember that those new elements are added on, they did not destroy the old you: The old you is still there, just with a new pair of shoes. New means growing, not necessarily replacing, so just remember not to forget who you are in the newness.